I just experienced this situation over Super Bowl weekend. My step-family was in town, and from what I assumed, none of them smoke marijuana.
I had asked my step-dad several times, and he kept telling me that none of them were down with marijuana. My step-uncle is gay, and he had told me previously what it was like for him to ‘come out of the closet.’ I told my step-dad on several occasions that I was going to ‘come out of the marijuana closet’ to his family sooner than later, and would start with his gay brother to see if he was receptive.
Fortunately, I didn’t need to take that risk, because I found out that one of my step-cousins consumes marijuana. We were all at a house party, my uncle and I stepped out to my car so we could burn down, and the second we came back in we were confronted by the previously mentioned step-cousin. I guess the way he identifies a marijuana consumer is by looking for the ‘quick duck out, come back smelling like burnt popcorn’ move lol. Once I knew that my step-cousin was down with marijuana, I just went straight to him and got the scoop on the rest of the family.
What do TWB readers look for to identify if someone is a marijuana consumer or not? When I’m around my hometown, it’s a very easy process. When I meet someone new, I try to determine which friends we have in common, then text those mutual friends to get the scoop. However, this is obviously not always possible because I’m not always in my hometown. Also, I don’t know every person in my hometown, nor do I have a mutual friend with every person. The demographics of marijuana are constantly evolving, and it blows my mind more frequently than before what types of people consume marijuana.
Below is a list that I made a couple of years ago that describes ‘10 ways to identify a stoner.’ To clarify things ahead of time, this is not an all inclusive list, and in no way am I saying that every person that consumes marijuana displays every characteristic on this list. This is merely ten things that I find useful when I’m trying to determine if someone is a marijuana consumer or not. Like I said, marijuana demographics are constantly evolving, so there’s a good chance that there are marijuana consumers out there that don’t meet any of the indicators that I listed below (my step-cousin being one of them!) If you have other tips and tricks that you use, please post them in the comments below so that others can benefit from your expertise:
How Do You Identify A Stoner?
This might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:
10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf
Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!
9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos
Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.
8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’
We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.
7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles
If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.
6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’
Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.
5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ‘420’
Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.
4. Owns a large collection of stoner music
If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….
3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….
Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!
2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around
When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.
1. Resin on the lighter
This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.